About the times when you cannot express

If there is anything wrong about this post, it is the name itself.

There are people who are lost for words and then there are people who never ventured out. There are times, when this second category tries to experience a new kind of feeling and end up making a complete fool of themselves. They had an idea to achieve something, and the idea like a dangerous parasite develops into something which was the last thing on their mind.

Not only do they self destruct, they end up hurting the world around them. What can be worse than being told that you are ‘insensitive’ and ‘immature’? Probably realising the fact that it comes from the corners of your own completeness.

I guess, it happens with everyone at some point of their lives.

No stranger to a feeling like this, I sometimes wonder why is that when you really want to make an impression you end up scaring away people. Under the surface, you are trying to break through the rusted façade of your own being. And then comes that inherent inability to not being able to express.

End result – instead of breaking the shell around you, you end up breaking the trust which you so craved for.

No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you wish to be at the best behaviour, chances (specially with me) are that you will end up falling short of what you had set out to achieve.

It’s like a dream, that keeps waking you, again and again. A dream in which all you do is scream silently – with no one to hear you, no one to see the pain. A dream in which you keep dying, not once, but again and again. I ask myself how can it be possible. Without fail, you always end up being the retard, end up being the joke yourself.

What kills you, brings you down on the floor is the realisation that you are just born with it – the ability/handicap of not being able to express.

It didn’t matter much, but suddenly you have this silly craving to make yourself known. To be appreciated for what you feel and see (what others might not have).

A sense of admiration often gives birth to a desire to be admired. Half awake, half asleep, half ignored, half ignorant, you start following the horizon. You keep following the desire to be at a place which doesn’t exist, you keep living in the fool’s paradise where everyone can say what they had to/have to say.

A jolt brings you back to the reality of life, you have been the same. You wonder, if you really belong to the world where people tell people what they have in the deep ravine of their hearts. Rightly christened as expressionless and emotionless by the people around you, you feel like going back to the world of machines and robots – the world where you belong.

And then, you see a ray of light coming from a tiny hole in the cave, a light which flickers against the winds. You are left wondering what to do – to believe or remain an infidel. It coaxes you, it teases you, it pushes you, it shoots you down and then, it ignites that desire again. You wish the light would stay even if the winds make you fear otherwise.

The light would guide you to that horizon, which can definitely exist amidst all the chaos and the imperfections no matter how the winds blow, no matter what the world thinks of you.

You wish your completeness remains with you.