Before I start, just a word for a dear friend who thinks that I mistake Morbid to being intellectual. Don’t know what you will think with this, it’s not an attempt to be intellectually Morbid or Morbidly Intellectual, just an elaborate elaboration of an elaborate fear – My Fear.
Moving on, I feel all of us fear something which is subjective to his/her likes and dislikes. The Romans gave these fears some fancy names which to me are nothing more than some fancy names. Doesn’t matter who you are, we all have that one fear which can send a shiver down our spine. No matter how funny it may sound to others, but for you it’s that one thing which is worse than death.
Me being no exception, I fear my death. It doesn’t go well with the ‘worse than death’ phrase but that’s the way it is.
The faintest memories of my childhood are the ones in which I am crying on my bed, thinking that a day will come when I will no longer be a part of the wheel, no longer a part of the planet and the way it’s being run.
Silently hugging my pillow close to my chest, thinking of the different things that can happen to me (an accident, brutally murdered, old age, a body deforming sickness, or just silently closing my eyes to the eternal darkness and later buried in a place which scares me to death any way), I used to cry like an inconsolable child.
The fear never went, it just graduated to a level where with each passing year I ended up thinking ‘another one goes, how many more left?’
Now, when I Google it, to add more ‘attractive’ word(s) to this post, I find that I actually suffer (if it’s the right word to be used at this point) from ‘Thantophobia’, the technical term for ‘Fear of Death’. The way they have explained it on the website, it certainly is very extreme but then that’s the way articles are suppose to be exaggerating everything.
Today, even though I don’t hug my pillow or cry thinking about my eventual demise, there are nights when I am all alone sitting, talking to myself and wondering about that moment which will separate me from the Living and the Non Living.
That split second which will make all the difference.
3 comments:
I wish I could say that I relate in any manner with the way you feel. As a matte of fact, I have always found death to be very fascinating. The awareness of the limited time on hand has always added to the joy of being alive! Yes, I have feared body deforming sickness as much as accidents just like any other sudden act that leads to my demise, but there has always been the peace and tranquil of death. The fact that it is finally over, that always makes me feel at peace with myself.
Long ago, an old friend wanted to play a mind-game with me. With a grin he asked me a couple of questions, which he was later supposed to interpret. one of the questions was " How do you feel when u see the roaring Ocean ?". I reacted " I feel great...as if the life is so beautiful". Later, the wise friend interpreted'"You don't have fear of death". I was quite amused, as i never gave thought to such an odd thing like "Death". But, deep down in my heart, may be I have a fear, like all of us. It may not be Thanatophobia, could be something else. Fear follows us... like a shadow. Now its upto us, whether we try to get rid of the shadow or come to terms with it.
Speaking of death isn't being morbid. It is an eventuality that is to take place...I guess fear only exists till the time an end isn't desired by you.
What has always fascinated me is the sense of determination and finale that envelops you when you yourself seek to be free from the Living...
The pulsating moments before 'suicide' are hard to recapture or for that matter, even be imagined by anyone until you find yourself in the same place...That imminent sense of death can be cold yet rejuvenating, I presume... Fear, then I guess, takes a backseat.
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